Mommy to and Angel
This week I faced one of the hardest obstacles life has ever thrown me. I lost the life of my beautiful little unborn baby.
For people who don’t agree with sharing your personal life on social media then this will not be for you. As I lie here at 4am in my dark bedroom, scribbling this on the notes section of my phone, I wanted to be brutally honest with my feelings so that other women (and men) reading this who have gone trough miscarriages may not feel as alone in an area that is not talked about enough..
So here it goes.
When I was diagnosed in 2013 with PCOS, I feared the worst. What if I couldn’t get pregnant? All I have ever wanted in life is the opportunity to pass on the gift of love and happiness my parents have given to me.
From the day I was told that my chances of this may be threatened my whole life purpose changed. A fire was lit so deep in my belly, and I knew that no matter what the road ahead of me had in store, I would have healthy and happy kids.
Subconsciously every one of my actions began to shift in a direction that favoured my health and my future. I became a personal trainer, I changed around my diet. My interests & studies naturally fell towards nutrition, hormones, women’s health, weight training etc and I devoted my time, energy and career to helping myself and so many people around me get healthier and happier. Everyone who knows me well, knows how excited I am to have kids. Then, when I found a more spiritual path and began meditating, doing yoga and focusing on positivity and happiness, I noticed a shift in my life. I was happier, healthier and more importantly I was curing my PCOS. I decided to ignore all the advice of doctors gave me about medications I could take down the line to ovulate, and decided to try get it back naturally with nutrition and exercise (not planning on actually getting pregnant yet), and to my surprise, I fell pregnant naturally pretty quickly. And regardless of how much believed it would be happen, it wasn’t until it did, that I realised how scared I actually was that I might not have.
So for those couple of weeks (which felt longer than a lifetime) I bathed in what I can only describe as pure inner bliss. Everything I had ever hoped for, had happened without one bit of effort. I felt deserving, smug and honestly a little disappointed in myself for ever even doubting the strength of my mind & body in the first place.
When I told Niall, after emerging in shock from the disabled toilet in the middle of busy London Heathrow Airport, we stood in shock, he held me so tight. I’ll never forget that moment, we couldn’t stop smiling. I was balling crying and hysterically laughing at the same time. Everyone walking past us were staring in confusion. We were so happy. It was our little secret, and for only a few more weeks! When I hit the 7 week mark, my whole world was in place. I was surprised at how quickly I felt ready to share my life with this new bundle of joy nestled so deep inside me, so safe. I had such a strong connection, that words cannot describe, to this little life growing as a part of me. All of a sudden it was no longer about me, I was here now for someone else, to give every ounce of my attention into giving this little life the best chance possible.
The 12 week wait was killing me. I’m an extremely open person and have never been one to keep my private life to myself (as you can tell), so keeping this news to myself was so hard. I wanted to stand at the top of every tall building and shout out so load so that everyone could hear me that I was pregnant. I wanted everyone to know how happy I was, and to feel the joy that was racing through every cell of my body. But of course the ‘silent law’ dictated that I have to keep it quiet ‘just in case’. What a stupid law. As if I’m any less pregnant for those first 12 weeks. As if it means any less in that magical 1st trimester, as it does in the second two. I sure as hell felt pregnant so why can’t I publicly BE pregnant.
“You know, miscarriages are so common”, “you have to be so careful, those first 12 weeks are so fragile”
Yeh yeh yeh..Bla bla bla! This baby isn’t going anywhere, I just know it! After all, i’ve had it hard enough — PCOS, lack of periods, ovulation, years of preparation. I’m pregnant now!! This is it!
I was ready. I was excited. And I was so so happy.
I will never ever forget that trip to the bathroom. Seeing that once-white piece of toilet paper, now bright red. My stomach turned and I felt that horrible knot in my throat. And all I could think was ‘no..no…please..no’ I tried to tell myself that it’s ok, don’t panic, there might be nothing wrong, but somewhere deep in my gut, I knew it wasn’t ok. As the day went on the bleeding worsened, and the cramps started to come on stronger and more often.
I felt empty.
People talk all about miscarriages. Google it and you will see the stats on just how many women get them, just how common they are, and that 1 in 4 pregnancies end this way.
But do they ever talk about the emptiness?
The dull heavy sadness that seeps into your body and never leaves.
The feelings of guilt; was it my fault? Was there something more I could have done.
The feelings of embarrassment; will people feel sorry for me? Will they think my body was weak?
The fear; what if this happens again?
The exhaustion; having spent the last 6 weeks in complete tiredness, napping every day, sore boobs, the emotions, trying to keep your life going as usual while all you want to do is nap! Hiding from everyone the most exciting secret of your life.
The disappointment; the only thing you’ve been thinking about for weeks, being taken away from you.
The lying; calling in sick to work, telling friends you’ve got the bug.
Telling people; never getting to announce the amazing news, just the sad news.
I looked forward to telling my dad so bad, I was waiting until he was home from the north, but he got home one day too late. Telling him my news in that way, was the worst thing imaginable. Not getting to share that excitement with him, just the sadness.
The lack of control; I didn’t choose this. It’s so cruel, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
But, taking aside the emotional pain, no one ever discusses the physical pain either.
The bleeding that goes on and on and on..The constant reminders every time you go to the bathroom that your world has just been turned upside down.
The cramps that grip you for hours and have you curled in a ball in the bathroom floor, wishing you could just go to sleep, and wake up when this horrible nightmare is over.
The nausea; the puking after meals, the dizziness and the feelings of weakness from loosing blood. Constant reminders that your worst nightmare has come true.
No one discusses the contractions, the intense pains of labour without the reward at the end, just emptiness.
Not only having to lose your baby mentally, but physically too. No one warns you about that pain.
Or the lonely nights that follow. After long days spent with friends and family giving you kind words of encouragement. Reassuring you everything will be ok, it just wasn’t the right time. But what if it was? Maybe to me, it felt like the perfect time?
Realising that happiness is starting to find its way back in to your life, only to get into bed that night and realise that your alone again, but this time more alone than ever.
This is how I feel right now as I type.
I would like to take this moment to say that if this process has taught me one thing, it is that my boyfriend Niall is the most incredible man I have ever met. My rock. He held my hand through every bit of physical pain, and he felt every bit of the emotional pain with me. The love I have for him has become something unbreakable after going through this with him, he really is my best friend. And sharing this with him has not only made it easier but us closer. No one really understands your pain, but he did, because it was his pain too. And having someone to be in that dark place with you that fully understands, is something I will eternally be grateful for.
So what happens now?
While I will never get over the pain of losing my first and so-far only baby, I also refuse to let it hold me back. The world decided for me that it was not my time. So I will just have to kick ass until it is. The excitement I have for the future is now so much bigger than the pain I feel about the past. This is just one chapter of my amazing book. Every negative in life, is an opportunity for a positive. An opportunity to grow into a stronger version of yourself. And I know for definite that I am now stronger person because of it. It has given me a new lease of life I have never felt before! To be able to embrace the sides of life now, that I didn’t before I was pregnant, is a gift. I feel younger and more energetic than ever. And to be able to create my future with the love of my life is an absolute blessing.
Miscarriages are a part nature, and nature is so much stronger than we will ever understand. Absolutely everything happens for a reason and life is not to be challenged. If we fight against life we will loose because unfortunately we are just apart of its game! So we must get up, be strong, and play life to our advantage.
Take every opportunity you are given, live outside your comfort zones, take risks, pick happiness over money, live in the moment, love, laugh, smile and appreciate everything amazing that you have in your life. Because you never know when your little life will turn itself upside down.
Shit will always hit the fan, but it’s how you react that will determine your happiness.
I choose to be positive. I choose to be happy.
I will allow myself to feel the pain and sadness, but I will not allow myself to become it.
I will allow the guilt, emptiness and grief to be a part of my past, but not my present.
I choose to have the best life possible. And when it is my time to have lots of babies, I will give them the same positive outlook I have and show them that they too have all the opportunities in the world .
If you have gone through a miscarriage or know anyone that has, talk about it, know that you are not alone, you are not to blame, and that it is ok to feel however you are feeling.
We need to talk more about the things that hold us back, that make us feel afraid and alone. Because we are never alone. Speaking out may change your life, or help one other person that feels the same way as you do, to change theirs.